holy guacamole

Is this a human being? Is it really?

Yes. It is. I know so because said human being is feeling stuffed full to the brim with allergies and grossness and isn’t going to go to school today, despite her mother’s insistance that she do. I already dealt with that. Sent my mother an e-mail. Such is the way of the world.

And now, I am here! To post! Mostly just a wind-up post, so y’all don’t think I’m such a horrifically ungrateful little snot, as all my previous posts seemed to indicate.

Remember in the last post, how I complained furiously about my “best friend”? Well, we’ve broken up. A mere month and a half after that post [February 22, a day that will remained forever etched upon my lovely smooth conscious].

And I’ll let you know how it all started, how it all went down, and how, ultimately, I feel so much better at the end of it all.

It all started…well, no, not true. It started with the seeds of annoyance that had been burrowing around in the farm of my brain for quite a while. I’d confronted her with my feelings/problems before, she’d ensured me that it was alright, she wasn’t mad at me, etc etc and so on and so forth.

So NOW it all started with Purim. An innocent enough holiday, involving dressing up and getting drunk and la dee dah fun.

I was supposed to go with her to her family’s house in a different city, because her aunt is my age and knows a bunch of cool people etc. It was supposed to be fun. Mind you, this had been our plan for AGES, LONG before my last post.

So the week of, my beauticious ex-friend calls me up and says–no, leaves a message because I was at my class’ play that she hadn’t come to because she was too lazy and didn’t pick up–”I’m really sorry, but…”

She’d only JUST asked her grandma if it was okay if I come over. Her grandma said no, because she was already having ten thousand people over and ten thousand and one was way to much , m’dear. And Q, being the loverly person that she is, didn’t argue. Said a’ight Grams, and called me.

I called her back. Sat there stunned while she “explained” things to me. Said okay. Hung up.

Cried.

Felt angry.

Betrayed.

Because, darling readers [aka Don], this is NOT the first time something like this had happened. Why, just the WEEK before this whole sordid affair, I was supposed to go sleep over at Q’s house. Nope, can’t. She has babysitting. And not a babysitting job she’d had beforehand, one she accepted the day of because she wanted money and didn’t really care about blowing me off. This whole story has happened numerous times. It was just a matter of TIME before one of them ended in RAGE.

Well, this one did. I sent her a message [because I am always so much better in the written word than in vocal words] telling her how I felt, how it seemed that she didn’t care about me [stuff I'd said before, by the by] and is it even worth it, if I’m the only one investing anything at all into this relationship.

This was all Sunday night.

I have to wait until Monday night for a response, after spending a stressful Monday day avoiding her in school and ranting about her to her sister.

Then, it comes. I’ll just copy and paste it, so you know:

“I think it’s time for us to break it off.
If after some time we want to start again, fine, but it’s just too much for me at the moment, i think.

It’s hard for me to put thoughts into words, and I have to leave to somewhere in two minutes, so i don’t have time to sit and think out what i’m trying to say here, but basically, I think its time to let go.

I’m sorry, but that’s what i really need right now.

sincerely, me”

Just for the record, she didn’t have to leave for anywhere in two minutes, because I called her two minutes later and made her go on chat so we could talk and she did. Grudgingly.

I asked her for an explanation, because I wanted some semblance of closure.

She asked me if I could handle it.

I thought I am not a fucking child, but only said yes.

She told me that I was too needy, that I was like an overcontrolling girlfriend who didn’t let the boyfriend do what he wanted.

And that was it, in a nutshell. I was astonished, shocked, omg whut. Because I hadn’t thought of wanting to spend time with a friend as being “needy”. All my friends way back when in the good ol’ USA had never objected to spending time with me. I thought a good friend was someone you could call at all hours of the night, just because you needed someone to talk to.

Well, that’s what I was to her. I was her bitch. She used me like a maxi pad [ew] and then threw me out with the rest of the trash when I got too dirty for her purposes.

That was the last time we talked.

And may I say something?

I FEEL SO GOOD RIGHT NOW.

It was like she was a black cloud hovering over me, and as soon as she left the cloud POOF dissipated, enabling me to see the gorgeous sky above.

Things I Feel Better About:

• not hanging in that stupid bar with nasty old people
• I am repulsed by beer now, because it makes me think of her and how gross it makes me feel
• not having her perpetual doom and gloom mood marring everything I do
• being able to hang out with other people without HER opinion of them shading mine
• realizing how good the friends I HAVE are
• NOT BEING DEPRESSED

After it happened, I went through a really…a really deep depression. I tried to hide it and smile and get over it as quickly as I could, but it’s definitely hard. It’s hard when someone you invested so much time and feelings in–when they all of a sudden just like that decide they don’t care, and it becomes obvious that they never did, that they were just tolerating you.

It makes you feel a little worthless.

But I’m NOT worthless. I’m not. I have lots of people who love me and are willing to be my friend. And in the end, where is she? Same place she was, minus a person willing to listen to her and comfort her. I should probably feel pity, but all I can muster up is hatred and repulsion.

Sorry lady. Maybe someday, as you said, we can look back on all this and think THAT WAS FUN.

Really? What the hell? What kind of person looks back on a deep two-year friendship and thinks THAT WAS FUN.

Bitch.

GOD I am so glad to be rid of her. Really. I’m not trying to convince myself that I am. I’ve already been through that stage. I am done and dusted and never want to see that evil slutty disgusting piece of shit ever again.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

I’ll probably never post here again. So it’s good that my last one be an uplifting one, so y’all know I’m not depressed and angry and bitter and mean.

I’m just me.

And I couldn’t ask for any more than that.

I know

I haven’t posted in forever.

But I can here, because it’s completely anonymous. Only DoN knows me. Only she can judge me.

I can let it all out here.

And here’s what I want to let out:

Is it normal to want to punch your best friend?

Didn’t think so.

Is it normal to feel so much “older” thank your best friend? To feel more “mature”, whatever that means?

Because I honestly feel like she’s a stupid teenager. And how wrong is it of me to think that because I’m only barely eighteen and I sound so pompous and stupid.

Basically for my birthday we went to a bar. I wanted to have fun. I wanted to act like a stupid teenager.

But I couldn’t, because what I really wanted I couldn’t have.  I wanted to hang out with a cool group of people my age, to sit and laugh and be teenagers. Maybe even go to one of those dance-y clubs.

But no, the only bar we can go to is the one full of old pathetic people, the kind of people who spend their lives in bars and waste all their money and life. Sitting there next to Q, who was chatting with her aunt…I felt disgusting.

I felt horrible.

I wanted to scratch off my own skin.

I wanted to scream and rage and kick everyone in the nuts.

I wasn’t doing anything! I was sitting there in a stinky smokey room watching Q have fun. It was my birthday party, wasn’t it? Weren’t we supposed to do what I want?

But we can’t, you see, because I can’t have what I want because I am too much of a coward. I can’t face my parents. I can’t tell them how I feel, what I want, I CAN’T TELL THEM THAT I WANT TO WEAR PANTS AND SHORT SLEEVES BECAUSE OMG WHAT WOULD HAPPEN THEN I’D BE EVIL AND HOW WOULD EVERYONE REACT AND HOW DARE I.

It’s fucking ridiculous.

Shouldn’t I be allowed to do what I want?

I’m a fucking person. I’m a person. I’m a human being.

And yeah, Daddy, you kind of fucking drive me crazy. You too, Mama. And I don’t want to be like you. I don’t want to have that expression of disgust you get on your face when you see your sister’s girlfriend. I thought you were supposed to be smart–but I guess that doesn’t stop you from being blind and seeing how your nephew noticed.

I fucking hate it all right now. I want to run away, but I can’t because I am the biggest coward ever and where would I run to. Q’s? Yeah right, she’s fucking annoying me more than anyone right now.

And oh yeah, she’s off wasting her life at a bar right now.

I want out. I want to escape. I need to go somewhere somewheresomewheresomewhere get me out get me out get me out getmeout.

Wait—what??

Wow.

Is it really me?

It IS.

I haven’t posted in a long time, but you know what, it’s not as bad when I don’t post, because at least I post on the other blog, PLUS I’ve got my DA journal. So you pretty much always know what’s going on with me.

Thanks for posting though, DreamingOfNothing, because it’s sad to me when you don’t.

I don’t have anything to say.

As usual.

F.O.D.

A tastefully titled song of Green Day’s.

What does it stand for?

Fuck off and die.

It’s what I’m saying to the world right now.

But you know what, I think all this anger and moodiness may just be a symptom of PMS. Or maybe all the drugs are finally getting to me.

I’m medicated.

But not so elated.

I don’t even know what it is.

So this’ll be a dumb, short post.

I think I’m just fed up with everything right now. I was so so happy when Q said she was completely done with John and didn’t want to talk to him ever again, but  now she’s feeling “guilty” and wants to apologize to him.

She shouldn’t.
I want him gone.

It is not at all a thing of jealousy:

He’s just a bastard.

A stupid bastard who is the “nicest person ever“, and maybe that’s what sickens me. He never gets angry. He is nice to everyone. He is polite. He is charming. But he has his “flaws”. He smokes. He swears. He hangs out at bars.

He’s so good it’s just stupid. But his “flaws” are so stupid that it makes him stupider. He is just stupid. And he’s all gay and happy [not synonymous] and is like so obsessed with his gayness it’s obnoxious. And he dances and sings.

Maybe it’s just his predictableness that drives me crazy.

I can’t stand him.

I want Q to not be able to stand him.

I want him and Sky to leave us alone, and go be gay together. [NOTE to unwary passerby: I am not by any means homophobic. I love gay people. Magnus, anyone?] But John and Sky are just annoying about it. And it pisses me off.

She doesn’t know everything, obviously.

But she doesn’t confide anything.

Until it’s too late.

I really, really wish things could go back to how they were.

But I guess we’re both too scarred from it all.

Literally.

I feel so good right now…

And it’s not even beer-induced.

I just spoke with my sister for two hours straight. She told me she was worried about me, and other sentimental shit like that. But we talked, and she really did make me want to be a better person. I know it sounds completely asinine, if that’s even a word, but it’s true.

And we talked about Q and her problems, and I feel like such a shitty friend for not trying to stop her from doing all these stupid things. I feel even shittier with myself for getting pulled into it all. In the end, I feel, I don’t really care if my life is boring. I feel like that’s why Q is acting out. And I need to talk to her about it. I know I got roped into it and did some stupid stupid things, especially last night, but in the end I really just need to talk to her and make her understand that I don’t want anything bad to happen to her, I want her to know that I love her and care for her and…

See that’s where the problem lies. I don’t want her to feel like I’m just like her parents, that I’m trying to set all these guidelines for her. I feel like a fucking hypocrite, because I’ve done all of these things too, but it’s like I had a revelation today and I realize that I can’t do it anymore, I can’t deal with the deceit and lies and the drinking and hanging out with “sketchy” [as my sister would say] people.

But the thing is that I’m not sure I can come up with explanations good enough to deter her from this acting out. I don’t know what I can do to change anything. Or I’m not sure if it’d change anything other than our relationship. And that’s what I’m scared of. I don’t want to become all distant and weird. I don’t want her to feel like she has to hide things from me.

So I hope I can talk to her normally. Hopefully some time soon. Otherwise it’ll all just bubble up and I won’t be able to keep it in all the time. I hope I can talk to her tomorrow.

I hate this.

But at the same time, I’m so so grateful to my sister. Because she really made me see that how I was behaving was wrong, and I need to change. Just because my life is boring doesn’t mean it’s bad, and even if I want to change religious-wise, that doesn’t mean that I have to go out and do stupid things.

I love her. At times.

Just a quick stop by…

…to tell you all [and actually "reiterate" might be the better word] that I love Neil Gaiman. If only I had half the creative mind as him, I would be happy.

I just watched Mirrormask, and it was one of the most interesting movies I’ve ever seen. I was going to say “best”, but I had to think about it for a moment. Because, you see, normally when I watch a movie, I can’t stop talking and asking questions and just making comments about it and etc, but this time, even though I was watching with my sister [who'd seen the movie before], I was completely riveted.

The only comments I made were “ugh!” [when such things as the Black Queen vomiting up the "Shadow" occurred] or “Valentine!!!” [when such things as him taking the ransom occurred]. It was one of the strangest movies I’ve seen, and yet, when have any of Neil Gaiman’s works been “traditional”?

I’ve read almost all of his books [the exceptions being Anansi Boys and half of American Gods], and loved every one. I just love his writing style so much. Before reading Neverwhere, I’d never actually been afraid of a book character. But Mr Croup and Mr Vandemar were just so psychotic and horrifying and real in the sense that they weren’t megalomaniacs intent on controlling the world that they just terrified me. And Coraline? Honestly I can say that it is the scariest book I’ve ever read. [Coming in at a close second is the bit in The Golem's Eye where Kitty is being chased by Honorius the afrit through a tomb.]

Oh sigh.

Whenever I come on here to do a rant, it never comes out quite like I want it to.

I think my point is that YOU, DreamingOfNothing, have to have to have to have to HAVE TO see this masterpiece of screenwriting that is Mirrormask. The plot…the characters…the animation…it all just adds to the wonderfulness of this movie. Valentine is one of the best characters in the world, and his Irish accent just makes him that much better when he says lines like: “I am a panther. I shall slip unnoticed through the darkness like a dark unnoticeable slippy thing.” and/or: “My mam always said, ‘It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, son. You get them before they get you. Eat your greens. Don’t do that.”

It’s all just so Gaiman I can completely completely see it in a book. It’s just a pity it isn’t a book.

And now I am craving the Sandman comics…*sigh*

P.S.– On a completely different note: I read the article about Jani, saw the video and read her father’s blog. It’s completely tragic, and at the same time so horrifically intriguing. My heart goes out to her and her family. She’s such a sweet little girl, I can’t imagine living with such an illness.

“Jealousy works the opposite way you want it to.”

So my little red bag from lululemon athletica proclaims. Is it true? I don’t know. I just know that’s it’s a stupid petty feeling, and yet one that you can’t stop it. When you’re jealous of someone, you can’t think, “This is stupid” and just stop. It festers. It boils up.

I know it’s dumb, I know I know I know it is. But Q used to be mine, she used to be mine and now she’s not anymore. Now she has new friends, and they are more interesting than I. They’re nicer, they’re cooler, they have more exciting friends.

I understand it.

It’s what I would do.

But she met them first.

So she gets them.

And they get her.

And I get no one.

It’s so pathetic, isn’t it? I am pathetic. But it won’t stop, like I said, because jealousy doesn’t work that way. Maybe it is working the opposite way I want it to.

Except I haven’t really expressed it except once, over Facebook chat, which just spawned a quick two line conversation about don’t worry, BA, don’t be stupid. You’re my best friend.

Am I really? Because it feels like the hours a day you spend with John and Sky and not with me make them your best friends. And now they’re off bowling and there’s “no more room” for me.

Real best friends ought to spend more time together, wouldn’t you think?

I feel like punching something. I feel like crying. I feel like screaming at her. But I know I won’t. I’ll just keep it inside until eventually it fades and I get used to not having a best friend. No BFF’s lolz for me.

Beer…is good…

So…yeah. I don’t know how coherent I can be right now, because I’m slightly tipsy, but…I had a good night.

I went out tonight. As in, out out. My friend Q and I went to a bar, called Old Friend. Her aunt was there, and Sky and John. I had a huge thing of beer, which tasted so good.

I’m not drunk. Not by a long shot. But I am tipsy, I am a little woozy. When I look around, it takes half a second for my vision to follow me. I wanted to try a cigarette, but neither Sky nor Q’s aunt would let me–”You’ll get addicted! I don’t want to be the cause for your addiction!” Or something like that. I can’t remember.

I met awesome people, including a huge cute old drunk man, who just made me smile. And I tried a bit of whotsisface’s “Hoegarden”, which every time he said that I felt obligated to say “a garden full of hoessssss!”

Yeah, gotta go now, becase my sist’ers making me watch osmething with eher, but i just had to document thi smoment. I am happy. I am feeling good. Beer tastes good.

My fingers hurt.

Buh bye!!

I got it!

Let’s see how many references I got:

409 In Your Coffeemaker–song

She–song

American Idiot–song/album logo

Nimrod–album cover

86–song

Pasalacqua–song

Adie–Billie Joe’s wife

One For the Razorbacks–song

Time of Your Life–song

Haushinka–song

Guys from Basketcase video–self explanatory

Viva la Gloria–song

Warning–song/album title

Jesus of Suburbia–song

Not bad. Not bad.

I need a life.

having a Breakdown

DISCLAIMER: This is just my OWN OPINION of the songs. If any of you got here by searching for 21st Century Breakdown reviews on Google, then I don’t want people telling me my interpretations of the songs are wrong, or that I’m stupid for not knowing exactly what Billie Joe meant when he wrote them. Mmkay? Cool, let’s start the post!

Something is wrong with me. I am mentally unstable.

I cannot believe I have gone almost an entire month without posting my own review of Green Day’s latest Album: 21st Century Breakdown. It is, in my opinion, their best yet. I thought that maybe it was just the novelty of it and that once it wore off I would wish that the album was more punk like Dookie, but in the end, I love it just the way it is. It’s like they’ve harnessed their energy and style that they had in American Idiot (my favorite album before the release of 21CB) and just multiplied it and morphed into a bigger and better Green Day. Every one of their albums has been different from the last, but this one really is a drastic change and, I think, it’s a good one.

Let’s go Song By Song, shall we?

Song of the Century – Of course this is just an introduction song to the rest of the album, but the second I heard I thought YES!, because it just backed up what I’d been saying for years, that Billie Joe can sing and is not just a one-trick-punk-pony. Before, when I’d tell people he had a good voice, they’d say, “No, he’s just screaming all the time”, which he isn’t. I love the melody of this song.

21st Century Breakdown - Great opening song, but not as epic as Jesus of Suburbia (as some people think). I like the change in tempo, though, especially the last part of: “Scream, America scream…” I just wish they’d left the lyrics the same as in the demo they released a couple of months ago. “Bleed, America bleed…” sounded better and more desperate. More angry. That’s the thing with this album is that, as angry as I think they wanted to sound, they really only achieved it in two songs: Christian’s Inferno and Horseshoes and Handgrenades.

Know Your Enemy – I don’t really like this song, as I didn’t when they released the video for it a week in advance. The thing is that everyone was getting so hyped up about it being the first single from the new album, and there were all these promos for the video, and in the end it was just a repetitive song with a boring video. It was just them playing the song, and although they did that in the American Idiot video, it didn’t work as well here. I dunno. Just my opinion.

¡Viva la Gloria! – Love this song. I love the piano in the beginning and the melody throughout. I like how it changes but still somehow maintains the same feeling. Look at me, talking about “feelings”. But I do feel something when I listen to this song. I can picture Christian, singing it to Gloria. That’s another thing with this album (I might say that phrase a lot) is that I could actually picture a story happening with Christian and Gloria, which didn’t happen for me with the Jesus of Suburbia and Whatshername.

Before the Lobotomy – I like this song, but for some reason, when I think of the album as a whole, I never remember this one. I mean, I don’t really have a strong opinion about it–I like it, don’t love it, don’t hate it. It’s just good.

Christian’s Inferno – I don’t like this song. Period. Thus, I have not listened to it so many times (only 3 on iTunes, compared to the 19 for Restless Heart Syndrome). I just don’t like the beat, the tune…it just doesn’t do it for me.

Last Night on Earth – Very Beatles-esque, but people need to stop saying that they’re ripping off the Beatles, as they have mentioned before their love for the Beatles and that they were a huge source of inspiration for this album. But I really like this song, because at the same time as it’s romantic and sweet, there’s also a desperate sort of feel to it (once again I can’t think of the word I want). I can imagine it very clearly, Christian singing this song to/about Gloria before he goes to a riot or something (I really am Blindingly Articulate, ain’t I?)

East Jesus Nowhere – This was the second song I heard before the album came out, and I fell absolutely in love with it. The guitar riffs are amazing–not saying that’s it’s a complicated and exquisite piece of music, but the tune and the beat and the melody of the chorus…just all of it together creates a wonderful song. I like the anger in it, mixed with a bit of cynicism, and the part where Billie Joe sings in his sweet voice, “A fire burns today, of blasphemy of suicide…” I get goosebumps every time.

Peacemaker – I like how different this song is from the normal Green Day variety. It’s got a Latin feel to it and is just a really fun song. I also love the lyrics, especially the verse, “Well I am a killjoy/from Detroit, I drink from a well of rage, I feed off the weakness/with all my love.” It’s just beautiful in a way I don’t really know how to describe.

Last of the American Girls – Even though this song is also repetitive (as in the chorus has the same tune as the verse), I like it a lot more than Know Your Enemy. Maybe it’s because I can see in my head–almost like a music video–the character of Gloria, as they describe her. It just gives you a real feel of who Gloria is, and I suppose I like it for that. It’s not just Christian singing to her, you know, it’s almost like we get a little portrait of who she is.
Murder City – I love this song. It just…it’s a fast song, and yet it’s so sad at the same time. It’s–as he says–like they’re just pathetic and realizing there’s nothing they can do to stop the violence. The whole “Christian’s crying in the bathroom” part really shows that, because Christian is supposed to be this hardass guy who just wants to rebel and start a revolution and is fed up with everything (like in Horseshoes and Handgrenades).

¿Viva la Gloria? (Little Girl) – Before you ask, I copied and pasted that little upside down question mark. And I just did that to the exclamation point in the other one. Anyway, I like this song as much as I like the other Viva la Gloria. This one isn’t as hopeful as the other one, it’s almost as if Christian is…berating Gloria? “You’re just a junkie preaching to the choir.” It’s like in the first one, he was singing a sweet song to her that was more looking to what’s going to happen, and in this one he’s…disappointed with Gloria, almost. There’s a sneer in his words.

Restless Heart Syndrome – Love love love this song. Everything about it. I love the lyrics, the idea, and following ¿Viva la Gloria?, it’s like it’s Gloria, the “junkie”, who’s addicted to this prescription medicine, and she can’t get away. “I’m elated, medicated, Lord knows I’ve tried to find a way to run away…” I also love this song because I think Billie Joe sings it so well (and yeah, I know he came up with it, so he ought to sing it well), but those notes he hits on the “elated” and “medicated” just make me sigh with content. It’s beautiful.

Horseshoes and Handgrenades – Booyah, another angry song! I love the energy in this song, which starts right from the first “I’m not fucking around!” right down to the last scream of “G-L-O-R-I-A!” Here is the Christian we know and love, right at his angriest and worst.  Love it.

The Static Age – Ahh, another song I love! This song is so…basic, I guess,  not really so different from the type of stuff they used to do. I don’t know. But I really love this song, love the tune, love the lyrics, love the way he sings it. I don’t really like so much the “Hey hey it’s the static age” bit, because that doesn’t really fit with the rest of the song (in my mind). The best part is the high, the “All I want to know is a goddamned thing, not what’s in the medicine! All I want to do is I want to breathe, batteries not included!”  The–and I hate to keep using this word–desperation.

21 Guns – Another pretty, slow ballad by Green Day. They’re on a roll with this album. Once again, the notes he hits are just magical. I don’t like that he doesn’t sing them like that live, except for the last, longest one. In all the other songs with higher notes he hits them perfectly live. I absolutely love the lyrics for this song, “One, 21 guns, lay down your arms, give up the fight.” Only two songs after the energetic Horseshoes and Handgrenades, it sounds as though Christian’s given up.

American Eulogy: Mass Hysteria/Modern World – I really like that the beginning of this song is the same as Song of the Century. What I don’t like, not so much, is that the Mass Hysteria part of the song has almost the exact same tune as one of their old hits, Deadbeat Holiday. But, I suppose, if you’re not such a fanatic Green Day fan as I am, you wouldn’t notice. And the Modern World part? Mr Mike Dirnt you have done it again! Favorite part of the song, just as Nobody Likes You is my favorite part of Homecoming. Mike should have more lead vocal parts, he has an awesome voice. Content-wise–honestly I never really pay attention when I listen to this song. It’s one of those songs I’m always listening to the tunes and thinking things like, “Mike!!!” instead of paying attention to the lyrics. [P.S.--Mike is the most badass bass player of any band. Ever.]

See the Light – I really like this song. It’s got a really beautiful feel to it. It’s like it’s both Christian and Gloria singing, kind of…describing their feelings, I guess, and in the end of the day, all they want is to “see the light” and “know what’s worth the fight”. A powerful end to a powerful album.

I hope you liked my review. If you didn’t, well screw you. It’s my opinions, ain’t it?

Can’t wait for more work from Green Day. I hope I don’t have to wait five years for the next album, though.

Sick

So I have strep.

Which sucks.

Actually, I was officially diagnosed [what a very House-like word that is!] with tonsilitis, but apparently removing tonsils is so last year. So instead I shall lie, feverish in my bed, while the most heavy-duty antibiotics I’ve ever taken battle the infection in my throat.

I’m so tired I don’t even have anything else to say.

I Hate You

Best line from a song.

EVUH.

“dickhead fuckface cock smoking motherfucking asshole dirty twat waste of semen I hope you DIE–HEY!”

Seriously. Have you heard better?

Nothing

1. Didn’t know what to name this post, so I named it “Nothing.” Seems oddly fitting.

So I am here on this fine spring day to talk about myself.

It seems to be a pattern with my posts, that I talk about myself. Why stop now?

I’m just sitting here, typing this, and I’ve been wondering about being disowned.

What could I possibly do that would make my parents disown me? Even if I did something truly horrible, they would still love me, right?

And what about my friends? At what point would they say, “She’s taken it too far,” and not be there by my side?

I’ve been thinking about this lately. Because, you see, I’ve been questioning myself and my religion, and though I love being Jewish, really I do, I sometimes wonder if I can stand being as religious as my family is. This brings me to the thought: if I weren’t religious, would my parents disown me? Would my friends still love me?

Because, you see, it’d be such a drastic change and nobody would expect it. My parents think I’m the perfect little girl and I’m not, really I’m not, but they can’t see it and for some reason it’s my sister they think is the “bad girl”, even though she’s much more religious and into Judaism than myself. I just think about life, and what it would be like if I weren’t Jewish, if I had gone to public school and wore jeans and all the rest, and if I had a boyfriend, and it sounds nice.

But then, at the same time, I look at my life how it is, now, and I love it. I know I complain and whine and bitch about everything, but really my life is great. Sure I’m bored with this country, but that doesn’t mean that what I have, now, isn’t good. And then I feel ungrateful. Because I am, really. Just because I want to experiment with alcohol and cigarettes and drugs….I lost track of that sentence. But as soon as I’m legal I’m buying a pack of cigarettes and trying them out. I just want to try things, you know?

I don’t know why the hell I’m putting this on my blog.

Maybe it’s to finalize my thoughts? Even though I’m doing a shitty job at that. I just want to say

this is how I feel

is it bad?

would people care?

would people alienate me?

really?

I have a friend here who is definitely going off the path as soon as she moves out, but she doesn’t care. She doesn’t care what people think of her, not even her parents. She’s got mysterious piercings galore that she got without their permission, and she’s talking about getting tattoos when she turns eighteen.

Oh, it’s her birthday today!

Happy birthday, Q.

I wish I could be more like her. I wish I didn’t have to keep up this “good girl” facade, so to speak. I wish I could do what I wanted without caring. But maybe that’s my subconscious telling me that I don’t want this, that I really am a nice good religious little girl and I’m just trying to make something happen in my boring ass life. But really, is it my fault I want a boyfriend? Does that make me a bad person?

What the hell am I talking about? I HAVE NO IDEA.

2. Books.
I also wanted to talk about books. My parents think I’m crazy. I think I’m normal.
What’s the situation?

Okay.

So I love books. Love love love books. Can’t survive without them.

But I am 100% against the idea of “eBooks”.

It is an abomination.

You cannot call an eBook a “book”. It is not a book. It is text on a screen.

A book is pages

and covers

and ink

and the crack of a new spine

and then the tired yellow pages

the worn covers

the fading ink

A book is a smell

the smell of new paper

of exciting adventure

and somehow, faintly

chocolate

A book is not pixels on a screen

not scroll down

not make font larger

not black on bright white background

not burn your retinas with afterimage

So am I crazy? Am I crazy for wanting to own books, real books, see them fill up my shelves and lean against the wall? To have my favorites fall open in my hands, automatically to the best part.

I feel like Eleanor, from Inkheart.

BOOKS

BOOKS

BOOKS

I’m dead.

Surely this must be considered some sort of torture, somewhere in that huge vast and wide world we live in.

Nobody can survive such suspense.

I was doing pretty good, up until today. I could handle it. I forced my friends to not talk about it, not mention it, not give me any details, not even say if they liked it or not. But now I’ve gone and broken my own rules.

For some stupid, inane reason, I decided to check up on one of the Mortal Instruments fanfics I’ve been following.

GUESS WHUT I FOUNDED!!!

Tons. TONS. DOZENS. Of Alec/Magnus oneshots, saying, “CoG spoilers for that horribly incomplete Hall of Accords scene!!!!!!!!!1!!1!”

And they were titled things like:

The Kiss

and

Let Them Look

and I about tore out my eyeballs with frustration, and I read one, and I wanted to die.

And now I have a ball of anger in my chest, this nervous feeling of the sort you get before a performance, and everyone’s telling you you’ll be fine and go break a leg and you’re just thinking “why don’t YOU break your fucking leg?!”

I can’t can’t can’t handle it. I can’t deal with this SUSPENSE.

I already know no one dies.

I know Alec confesses.

I know they kiss, behind the scenes or in center stage.

GIVE ME THE DAMN BOOK. I NEED IT. YOU ARE KILLING ME.

I am so frustrated I think I might actually cry. Is that normal? I didn’t even get this hyped up over Deathly Hallows!! Well okay I kind of did [didn't check my email/Facebook for two weeks beforehand and I hardly even ventured near the internet] but STILL. I know I’m crazy but Magnus is literally the gay love of my life and I NEED HIM.

I NEED JACE AND CLARY TO NOT BE SIBLINGS.

I NEED SIMON.

I NEED VAMPIRISM.

I NEED SEXY WARLOCK GLITTER MAGIC.

>BC

*huge sigh*

That’s it.

I’m gone.

Completely psycho.

I’m trying to distract myself with Stuart Townsend, but even the serial killing sexy!Irishman cannot sway me! Oh well. Let’s go watch it anyway.

*shakes head*

Murder me.

Need to Rant.

My sister.

Is such a fucking idiot.

At this moment, I think it is safe to say that I truly and honestly hate her and her guts.

The conversation I just had with her made me feel so sick. A lump formed in my throat and I couldn’t speak. Couldn’t think. Just wanted to punch her and scream and tear my hair out.

For those of you unfamiliar with the wonderful human being that is my sister [henceforth known as Bitch], let me tell you a few facts about her:

• She has an annoying habit of getting very formal when I get angry. ie:  “Blindinglyarticulate, if you don’t calm down then this discussion is over. We can resume at another time if you like.”
• When she senses an important topic coming up, and it is something she “doesn’t have the energy” to discuss, she will brush it off. Not change the subject. Just say, “Later, okay?”

No, Bitch. Not later. Now. Let’s discuss this now. Oh, sorry, you say you are tired? I understand, it must have been a hard day for you, having woken up only two hours ago. Yes, I understand. Vacation can be very stressful.

And I also understand, Bitch, that you don’t have time to purchase the things I asked of you. Yes, two weeks of vacation is always so full to the brim, especially when you have no one to hang out with. Yes, I understand.

And I know, I really did ask too much of you. Four items, the most expensive of which is 50 dollars, that is too much. And they really are terribly difficult to get a hold of. Deodorant is in short supply, I hear. As is underwear. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t request it, honestly.

Don’t mention it, Bitch!

I don’t care that you have no empathy and care not for the feelings of others–not even your own sister! I know, I should really throw away all my emotions. And I really shouldn’t ask you to buy me an inexpensive item simply because I have an emotional attachment to its sort and they are hard to come by in this country. That is just preposterous! How dare I think my feelings and emotions even a millionth of a fraction as important as yours.

I really should respect you more, Bitch.

And I am an idiot for even harboring the thought that your friends might be more empathetic than you. Why should they be? They are your friends, after all.

Go on, Bitch. Let them pat you on the back and tell you I was out of order. Go scoff at me to them. Shake your head and discuss my immaturity. I know your friends. I know they are just like you. I know they will feel only for those of their status: the high and mighty genius overachievers.

Your sister is just a failure. Doesn’t work hard, doesn’t care about grades, doesn’t spend a month beforehand preparing for an essay. Doesn’t have a 4.0 GPA average.

She is not worthy of your sort.

She should be ashamed.

She should not idolize such freaks as she does. Because honestly, lines like, “Running away from pain when you’ve been victimized” are just pathetic emo shouts, aren’t they, and can’t possibly relate to anything in any normal person’s life, can they.

But I’m done.

I’m done with this stupidity.

I’m done with you.

I’m fucking done with you and your perfection.

I can just see your reaction to that sentence and it makes me grimace. It makes me growl through these tears. It makes me want to fucking scream.

What it comes down to is this:

I hate you. I am sick of you.

And in the end, “I’m not gonna say anything inspirational. I’m just gonna fucking swear a lot.”