And it’s not even beer-induced.
I just spoke with my sister for two hours straight. She told me she was worried about me, and other sentimental shit like that. But we talked, and she really did make me want to be a better person. I know it sounds completely asinine, if that’s even a word, but it’s true.
And we talked about Q and her problems, and I feel like such a shitty friend for not trying to stop her from doing all these stupid things. I feel even shittier with myself for getting pulled into it all. In the end, I feel, I don’t really care if my life is boring. I feel like that’s why Q is acting out. And I need to talk to her about it. I know I got roped into it and did some stupid stupid things, especially last night, but in the end I really just need to talk to her and make her understand that I don’t want anything bad to happen to her, I want her to know that I love her and care for her and…
See that’s where the problem lies. I don’t want her to feel like I’m just like her parents, that I’m trying to set all these guidelines for her. I feel like a fucking hypocrite, because I’ve done all of these things too, but it’s like I had a revelation today and I realize that I can’t do it anymore, I can’t deal with the deceit and lies and the drinking and hanging out with “sketchy” [as my sister would say] people.
But the thing is that I’m not sure I can come up with explanations good enough to deter her from this acting out. I don’t know what I can do to change anything. Or I’m not sure if it’d change anything other than our relationship. And that’s what I’m scared of. I don’t want to become all distant and weird. I don’t want her to feel like she has to hide things from me.
So I hope I can talk to her normally. Hopefully some time soon. Otherwise it’ll all just bubble up and I won’t be able to keep it in all the time. I hope I can talk to her tomorrow.
I hate this.
But at the same time, I’m so so grateful to my sister. Because she really made me see that how I was behaving was wrong, and I need to change. Just because my life is boring doesn’t mean it’s bad, and even if I want to change religious-wise, that doesn’t mean that I have to go out and do stupid things.
I love her. At times. 
