I haven’t posted in forever.
But I can here, because it’s completely anonymous. Only DoN knows me. Only she can judge me.
I can let it all out here.
And here’s what I want to let out:
Is it normal to want to punch your best friend?
Didn’t think so.
Is it normal to feel so much “older” thank your best friend? To feel more “mature”, whatever that means?
Because I honestly feel like she’s a stupid teenager. And how wrong is it of me to think that because I’m only barely eighteen and I sound so pompous and stupid.
Basically for my birthday we went to a bar. I wanted to have fun. I wanted to act like a stupid teenager.
But I couldn’t, because what I really wanted I couldn’t have. I wanted to hang out with a cool group of people my age, to sit and laugh and be teenagers. Maybe even go to one of those dance-y clubs.
But no, the only bar we can go to is the one full of old pathetic people, the kind of people who spend their lives in bars and waste all their money and life. Sitting there next to Q, who was chatting with her aunt…I felt disgusting.
I felt horrible.
I wanted to scratch off my own skin.
I wanted to scream and rage and kick everyone in the nuts.
I wasn’t doing anything! I was sitting there in a stinky smokey room watching Q have fun. It was my birthday party, wasn’t it? Weren’t we supposed to do what I want?
But we can’t, you see, because I can’t have what I want because I am too much of a coward. I can’t face my parents. I can’t tell them how I feel, what I want, I CAN’T TELL THEM THAT I WANT TO WEAR PANTS AND SHORT SLEEVES BECAUSE OMG WHAT WOULD HAPPEN THEN I’D BE EVIL AND HOW WOULD EVERYONE REACT AND HOW DARE I.
It’s fucking ridiculous.
Shouldn’t I be allowed to do what I want?
I’m a fucking person. I’m a person. I’m a human being.
And yeah, Daddy, you kind of fucking drive me crazy. You too, Mama. And I don’t want to be like you. I don’t want to have that expression of disgust you get on your face when you see your sister’s girlfriend. I thought you were supposed to be smart–but I guess that doesn’t stop you from being blind and seeing how your nephew noticed.
I fucking hate it all right now. I want to run away, but I can’t because I am the biggest coward ever and where would I run to. Q’s? Yeah right, she’s fucking annoying me more than anyone right now.
And oh yeah, she’s off wasting her life at a bar right now.
I want out. I want to escape. I need to go somewhere somewheresomewheresomewhere get me out get me out get me out getmeout.
